The Torah’s account of the most prominent siblings in early civilization is not a pretty picture.  Kayin kills Hevel and Noach’s sons’ differences spawn the 70 nations.  Indeed, most Mepharshim understand the “world is not big enough for all of us” was a prevalent attitude among some of the early brothers.  They did not feel they should have to “share” the world with their brothers.  Moreover, by the time of Noach, one of his sons saw no reason to give any deference to his father, even though it was in his father’s zchus that the world and his sons were saved. 

While no one has all the answers and the world is a constantly changing place, I have been asked repeatedly for my insights into raising children in todays environment.  It is a daunting task but we all can benefit from brainstorming with each other about what has and has not worked.   First and foremost, I would most strongly stress that raising children cannot be a one size fits all approach.  Each child is differenfinkt than his or her sibling and even different from their identical twin.  Nevertheless, there are some general rules which seem to apply to nearly all children.

First, children need love.  Unconditional love. That does not mean that there is not a place for appropriate guidance and discipline, but your child must know that they are loved by their parents.  That is why when I counsel divorced couples I always make them promise that neither will ever utter a negative word about their former spouse in front of their children.  Children perceive that they are part from their mother and part from their father. When you demean a child’s parent you are necessarily insulting the child in the child’s eyes.  Second, children need to feel secure.  Not that they have a million-dollar trust fund, but that their needs are being taken care of.  Children who constantly hear their parents struggling with the finances worry, and that is not healthy.  Children must be able to focus on learning, growing, and social development.  They cannot advance in those areas when they are concerned about whether they are safe.  I readily understand the financial strains that often come with tuition etc. but discussing those strains in front of your children will only add more things onto your platter of concerns.  Children can be taught about choices, affordability and responsibility and still be reassured that their needs are being taken care of and that they are safe at home.

Third, being a parent is non-delegable duty.  You can pay people to baby sit or teach your children but that does not change the fact that it is your job.  Hachnosos Ohrchim is a mitzvah.  But who you bring into your home and ensuring that they are appropriately supervised around your children is your responsibility.  The same is true for schools.  Your job does not end at the carpool door or the school house steps.  You must be actively involved and listen to your child about their concerns at school.  Your child has no advocate other than you and even the best teachers can make mistakes.  You know your child better than anyone.  As an aside, schooling may be necessary but absent the rarest of circumstances, sending your son to a dormitory Yeshiva for his teenage years is usually a mistake, sometimes a very big one.  Dormitories are largely unsupervised and in todays day and age, your child will be exposed to some of the most damaging an inappropriate things imaginable.  And you sent him there. Don’t.

Fourth, children learn much more from what they see than what they hear.  If you value Torah, make sure your children see you learn and quote from it, particularly at the Shabbos table.  Most of all, take time to learn with your children.  Your children will be challenged to be good spouses, siblings and friends if you do not set the example.  Your children observe how you talk about others.  Let them see you look out for other people and allocate monies for Tzedaka.  Make time to spend with your children.  Play games, study and just talk with them.  Let them see that they are important to you.  A child who sees you keep a Seder may learn that you value Torah but a child who you learn Torah with learns that Torah binds people together.

Fifth, teenagers often find less than good things to do with their time.  In todays world of Smart Phones and Social media, parents must be ever more vigilant of who their kids spend their time with.  You may not give your child a smart phone at age 12 but other parents do.  Speak to your kids about the dangers that are at many people’s fingertips as soon as appropriate.  Let them know they can come to you with questions about anything.  Remember, anything your children don’t learn from you they will probably learn from a school friend who may or may not know what they are talking about and almost certainly will not know the proper context to place things in.  There was a time when some parents chose to avoid this responsibility by raising their children in a “bubble”.  Maybe that made sense for some a generation ago but newsflash – there is no bubble anymore.  Don’t be fooled into thinking your child won’t be exposed.  You will spend thousands and thousands of dollars to educate your children.  Spend some of that money to create a fun home where your children can play with their friends under your supervision. 

Sixth, if your teenage son enjoys sports, encourage it at every turn.  It is one of the few healthy outlets for their burgeoning masculinity.  Aside from being a healthy distraction, it promotes teamwork, healthy competition and physical fitness – all parts of a healthy Torah life. 

Finally, avoid the biggest mistake that most parents make.  Most parents view children as miniature versions of themselves.  THEY ARE NOT!! Even if they look like you they may have the skills and talents of their maternal Grandmother.  Genetics are a funny thing.  Trying to guide and steer your children to be more like you can be devastating and is wholly inconsistent with your mission as parents.  You may have the head for Science and Math but your child who looks exactly like you may be more talented in areas of music or art.  Your job is to help your child maximize the talents which Hashem gave them, hopefully to benefit the Klal  Everyone can learn Torah and be Shomrei Torah and Mitzvos but telling your musically gifted child that he should stop playing because you want him to spend more time developing skills which you were given naturally, will not work and will cause struggling and frustration.  One last suggestion which amplifies and compliments all of these ideas – marry a great partner.  Discuss your thoughts on parenting before you marry and when the unexpected comes up, discuss it again and again and speak with one voice.

Sefer Bereishis spends an inordinate amount of time documenting the difficulties which siblings had in the earliest days and later.  After Noach there was Yitzchak and Yishamael, Yaakov and Eisav. The Shevatim had numerous difficulties in their relationships.   There can be little question that Mechiras Yoseph, Yaakov’s purchase of the Bechora and everything that led up to those incidents are painstakingly detailed so we can learn from them.  It has never been easy to raise good children and while the challenges have changed, today poses its own unique ones.  While the above is a good starting point, it’s just that, a starting point.  May we be zoche to raise the Nesahmos we have been entrusted with k’darchei Hashem.

Noach (2)

In the first Pasuk of Parshas Noach, there is a Rashi which calls out for deeper analysis and explanation.  The famous Rashi, “B’Dorosav”, quotes conflicting opinions in Chazal as to what the pasuk means when it says that Noach was a Tzadik “in his generation”.  One opinion is that Noach was a complete Tzadik.  The other view is that Noach was only a Tzadik “B’Dorosav” – when compared to the Reshaim of his generation.  This derogatory description even goes so far as to say “Had Noach lived in Avraham’s Dor, Lo Nechshav Klum- he wouldn’t have been recognized as an outstanding individual”.  This Rashi raises several difficult issues.

First, it is unusual for Chazal to have a disagreement about a fact.  Typically when there is an argument in Chazal, they are arguing over an interpretation or theory, not a fact.  Simply put, was Noach a Tzadik or wasn’t he?  He certainly lived long enough and knew enough people after the Mabul that a legitimate insight into his character could have been obtained.  Moreover, what does it mean when it posits, “Had he lived in Avrahams Dor he would not have been anything outstanding”?  Noach did live in Avrahams Dor.  Noach was born in the year 1056 and died in the year 2006 (950 years).  Avraham was born in the year 1948 and died in 2123 (175 years).  Noach and Avraham lived together for 58 years!! 

Indeed, there is a Medrash which details a specific meeting which took place between Noach and Avraham, when they both tried to dissuade Nimrod from building the Migdal, the Tower.  The Medrash relates that Noach spoke to Nimrod and his followers and warned them of the consequences of their actions, that he himself had witnessed and survived the Mabul.  No one took note of Noach’s warnings.  When Avraham delivered the same admonition regarding the misplaced idea of rebelling against Hashem, people very much took note. Nimrod was so concerned about the affect Avraham was having that he ordered Avraham be thrown into the Kivshun.  How could Chazal ask “Had Noach lived in Avraham’s Dor”?

In answering these questions, it may be helpful to pose one more.  If Noach wasn’t anything special, he was just superior to the Reshaim of his generation, then why save him?  Why go through the whole Tayva process with animals and rain etc.? Why not destroy the world, start over with a new “Adam” and have a Mesorah that the first world was destroyed because of Rishus?  Why save mediocrity?

It seems that the proper explanation to all these questions is that there was no factual disagreement among Chazal.   Both opinions are in reality saying the same thing.  In truth, Noach’s accomplishments for his lifetime pale in comparison to Avraham’s.  In the whole time he was building the Tayva, Noach could not bring anyone to repent or follow him.  Avraham by contrast was “M’Karev” thousands to the belief in a single deity.  The Medrash we cited above makes this comparison rather poignantly.  No one listened to Noach when he was warning them about the Migdal.  They were however listening to Avraham.  What was special about Noach was not the quantitative accomplishments of his lifetime, rather it was the quality of being better than everyone else around him. 

We all can look around for inspiration from many sources.  We can find someone who does more Chesed, learns more Torah, honors there parents more appropriately etc.  Noach had no such role models.  He was the best at everything – in his Dor.  There was not a single Midah which Noach did not epitomize in his Dor.  Being the best in his Dor may not have allowed him to accomplish what Avraham did but if he had been born in Avraham’s Dor, if he had an Avraham to learn from, he would have been even greater than Avraham.  That is precisely the Midah that Hashem was saving in the Mabul, the Midah of being able to rise above everyone around him.  

This is consistent with the Rambam which states that we should have every Midah to a moderate degree, not too much and not to little.  Even jealousy can be used positively if we envy someone else’s Midos Tovos or Torah knowledge and are inspired to be better.  Noach exemplified how to look at everyone else’s good points and strive to meet that standard.  That Midah allowed him to be considered a Tzaddik. May we be Zoche to learn the Midah of Noach and constantly strive to be better.  May we use this Midah to emulate those representing true Torah values.