The long awaited showdown between Esav and Yaakov has finally come to fruition.
Thirty-four years have transpired from the moment Rivkah — after fearing Esav would take revenge against Yaakov for stealing the blessings — advises Yaakov to "flee to my brother Lavan, to Charan. And remain with him a 'short while' until your brother's wrath subsides."
Clearly, Rivkah, who we are taught possessed Ruach Hakodesh, was way off in her estimation of how long it would take for Esav to calm down.
How do we reconcile this most insightful woman's gross error in judgment?
A dear, and old childhood friend of mine, Reb Labe Twersky, recently shared with me his novel answer to this question.
Rivkah correctly suspected that Esav was 'angry'. But she also realized that anger dissipates with time. Surely, she thought, it wouldn't take that long to see the truth in the adage: מה שלא יעשה השכל יעשה הזמן —What logic cannot achieve, the passage of time can!
So ostensibly she was right, but that was only true if Esav was merely angry. The problem was that Esav was filled with hatred.
וישטם עשו — Now Esav harbored hatred toward Yaakov. Hate is rarely quelled; it lingers and breeds more loathing. Hate fuels incessant anger.
So how indeed did Yaakov manage to succeed in stifling Esav's anger, and alleviate the animosity that fanned Esav's ceaseless wrath?
The formula to enable one to love another person begins with loving oneself.
ואהבת לרעך — You shall love your fellow, כמוך — like yourself.
This directive is not simply a yardstick to measure how much love we should extend toward our fellow — as much as you'd desire for yourself.
It is rather the prerequisite that enables us to love someone else. It must begin with a healthy dose of, כמוך — self-love.
One who has a strong measure of self-appreciation, is capable of loving and appreciating another.
This equation is even more evident on its flipside.
Those who are filled with hate towards others are really displaying their unhappiness and resentment towards themselves. It is so much easier to direct their frustrations by lashing out to others, than to face themselves and wallow in their feelings of worthlessness.
When Yaakov finally approaches Esav, he 'bows earthward seven times until he reaches his brother.'
The Baal HaTurim directs us to a verse in Mishlei.
For a righteous man can fall seven times and rise, but the wicked shall stumble upon evil. (24 16)
This verse — which asserts that the righteous may falter even seven times, yet they will persevere in rising each time, never succumbing to defeat — corresponds to Yaakov's seven times 'falling down' before Esav.
He adds that the number seven alludes specifically to another verse in Mishlei that depicts the 'enemy' who feigns friendship but harbors 'seven abominations in his heart.' (26 25)
Perhaps Yaakov fathomed that Esav's hatred stemmed from his miserable self-image. He understood that the 'seven abominations' in Esav's heart was a grave disappointment with himself and his failure to live up to his father's hope for him.
Yaakov sought to convey his faith and belief in Esav, by encouraging him never to give up. He portrayed his own personal struggles of 'falling down' seven times yet pulling himself up by the bootstraps, to rise and shine once again.
With Yaakov's genuine appreciation for the essence of goodness within his brother that could blossom into greatness, Esav began to sense a rebirth of a seed of self-esteem restoring within his soul.
The self-hatred dissolved for a moment, permitting him to appreciate his own worth. In this fleeting moment of genuine satisfaction with self, the hatred towards Yaakov naturally disappeared.
Reb Itzele of Volozhin, the son of Rav Chaim Volozhiner, quotes in the name of his father a time tested technique to capture the heart of one's enemy. One should focus on the positive within his adversary, judging him favorably. This positive energy will result in a reciprocal display of camaraderie in return.
This is based on another verse in Mishlei.
As face reflects to face in water, so does one man’s heart to another. (27 19)
This would seem to be a metaphysical reality that enables a person to positively influence another with warmth, that ignites a reciprocal love in the heart of his former adversary — towards him.
But perhaps it is much simpler.
When one gazes into a still pool of water, one sees a reflection of one's physical self.
Similarly, when my antagonist views my heart, filled with appreciation for him, he begins to see a reflection of 'his' true self, allowing his heart to flow unencumbered by his former cloud of self-negation that existed before.
May we each reflect on the power we have to warm our world with an unparalleled spirit of camaraderie that can elevate an entire world in its wake.
באהבה,
צבי יהודה טייכמאן
