It is a tradition among many Jewish people that the child at a Bris Milah develops, in personality, to be like the Sandek that held him at a Bris Milah. This is perhaps another motivation as to the reason why an attempt is made to obtain a great Tzaddik to serve as the child’s Sandek. But from where did this idea originate? And what should someone do who has irreligious parents or grandparents and wishes to honor them with being Sandek?
The Ramah (YD 264:1) writes that a person should get a Mohel and a Baal Bris (i.e. a Sandek) who is yoser tov (very good) and a Tzaddik, a righteous person. It is unclear to this author whether the term “very good” as it applies to a Sandek is in terms of capability or in terms of moral character.
THE LEVUSH
The issue, however, is clearer elsewhere. Rabbi Mordechai Yoffe (1530-1612), author of the Levush, (Yore Deah 264:1) writes: “A person should take measures to find a Mohel and Baal Bris (i.e. a Sandek) who is a good and righteous in order that they have the highest and loftiest of intentions in their kavana and it will cause that the child will be like them.” We see then that good means that it affects the child.
The original source of the Ramah is the Ohr Zaruah (Hilchos Milah 107). The Ohr Zaruah was written by Rav Yitzchok Ben Moshe of Vienna (1200?-1270?). Rav Yitzchok was a member of the Chassidei Ashkenaz and had studied under the Ra’avyah, Rabbi Yehudah HaChasid, the Sar mi’Kutzi and Rav Elazar Rokeach. He was also one of the Rebbeim of the Maharam M’Rothenburg.
A DIFFERENT REASON
In the Ohr Zaruah, the need for a good Sandek is for a different reason. It is so that they merit that Elijah the prophet will come. In other words, according to the Or Zaruah, it seems that it is not that the child will emulate the Sandek and or mohel – but that the greatness of the Sandek will effect the presence or absence of Eliyahu HaNavi!
The Maharil as well indicates that the issue is not one where the child will be influenced by the Mohel and the Sandek, but rather in terms of the health of child in his being additionally cured by the presence of Eliyahu HaNavi.
There is also the issue the Sandek is considered as one who has offered the Ktores. Indeed, in terms of receiving an Aliyah, the Sandek comes before the Mohel, if there are not enough Aliyos to give to both of them.
THE STRINGENT VIEW
Rav Moshe Shternbuch, in his Teshuvos v’hanhagos (Vol. I #603) is of the opinion that the irreligious person should not be offered Sandek, and that it could affect the child. He writes that the Mitzvah of honoring his father does not allow him to endanger his own son.
The Sefer Milah K’hilchasa questions this position on many grounds. At the end of the day, and although it is discussed in Shulchan Aruch, it is only a Segulah – not an actual halacha. He also does not see how a mere Segulah should set aside the Mitzvah of Kivud Av ‘v’aim – honoring one’s parents. Also, even in the Levush’s own words we do not see that it affects the child negatively – we only see that a great person can affect the child positively.
THE OBLIGATION TO HONOR PARENTS
The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 240:18, see also 241:4) discusses the obligation to honor parents – even where they might be evil-doers. Although the Remah does cite a dissenting view, that the obligation only exists after they have done Teshuvah, it is a debate. Many Poskim have stated that even according to the Ramah, when the parents have grown up in a situation where they may be considered a Tinok she’nishbah, like a child that was kidnapped and does not know better in terms of Jewish law – the qualification of the Remah – does not apply. [Regarding all of these issues, one should, of course, consult a Posaik.]
It is also well-known that the Chazon Ish (see Maaseh Ish Vol. II page 93) allowed a Shabbos violator an aliyah to the Torah. Rav Elyashiv zatzal ruled that a child who was raised in a manner where he did not know better and he does not observe Shabbos is considered as a tinok she’nishba, “kidnapped child,” and may be counted in a minyan if he was not exposed to Torah. Thus, according to Rav Elyashiv, a yeshiva dropout may not be included in a minyan if he no longer observes Shabbos. But a Russian Jew, for example, who was not exposed to a yeshiva education can be counted (Peninei Tefillah citing Rav Elyashiv, page 127).
RAV ZILBERSTEIN’S VIEW
Finally, it is interesting to note that Rav Yitzchok Zilberstein, in his Chashuchei Chemed on Yuma (9b), suggests that one can honor an irreligious relative with being Sandek if he elicits a commitment from him to keep one Shabbos after the bris. The merit of observing the Shabbos, according to Rav Zilberstein, will more than make up for any possible drawback.
There is yet another indication that the approach of allowing it is perhaps preferable. Many Chassidic masters have recommended being a Sandek as a tikkun for certain Aveiros. If this is the case, then when there is a Mitzvah of honoring a parent or grandparent at hand, one should certainly do so. As in all matters of halacha, one should consult with one’s own Rav or Posaik.
The author can be reached at yairhoffman2@gmail.com
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