Today, many shadchanim are just as frustrated as the singles. We can spend hours working on a suggestion only to have it nixed because of an elementary school listed on a profile or someone doesn’t like a photo. I have become immune to the ridiculous declines before a first date, including: “I just don’t feel it when I read the profile,” “I just don’t see myself with a teacher/lawyer/social worker,” “She looks like a size 8 and I want a size 4 or 6,” and “Even though I am a 34-year-old male, I find myself most compatible with women under 23.”

I used to be considered a successful shadchan based on the number of married couples I had been zocheh to bring together. But I stopped keeping count of how many shidduchim I have made. Because today, experienced shadchanim will agree that a success is not when a couple walks down the aisle but rather getting two people to agree to go on a first date! I literally make over 100 calls or emails a week, and if I get five couples to agree to meet, I am ecstatic.

But my frustrations are mostly reserved for the older single men who, far-too-often, refuse to date women over 36 or 38 or 40, and definitely not over 42, because they want “large families”. (These men can be as old as 60, unmarried, and still wanting 35 year-old-wives who will be baby “machines” for them.) Who knew that there were so many available men on such a madreiga that Hashem directly talks to them, personally promising them large families? And this supply of older men is clearly ma’al hateva because, unlike the older women they refuse to date, somehow they believe themselves to be exempt from the male fertility issues that increase as men age.

Year after year, many of the amazing single women in Baltimore are unfortunately getting older and working hard to prevent their hopes for marriage from dwindling. Some have taken the medical measures to potentially have children at a later age in life with a husband, but that’s hard to anticipate when they aren’t getting set up on dates. While my heart goes out to the 21 and 23 and 25-year-old women who are eager to get married and seem to struggle with shidduchim as well, the true shidduch crisis is the far-too-many quality Baltimore women in their 30s and 40s, or those who may have already crossed the 50 mark without ever wearing a wedding dress.  

Let’s consider the facts: The older single women in Baltimore aren’t being too picky. They aren’t damaged, they aren’t nebachs. They aren’t ugly, they aren’t stupid. They are the most phenomenal, impressive group of women who always offer big smiles when we see them in the supermarket or in shul, but behind closed doors they struggle silently and cry alone, as they try to be pro-active in shidduchim but to no avail. Many come from long-established Baltimore families that were and still are the pillars of our community, and many of these girls themselves have become critical members of our community with their professions and tremendous involvement in chessed. So what will it take for our community to give back to these girls and their families?

Here are some basic efforts to undertake, each of us individually as well as a community, to end this real shidduch crisis in Baltimore:

1. Give 10 minutes every week to network for a single OVER the age of 33 and try particularly hard to help those over the age of 39.  It’s great to invite them for Shabbos meals and to get to know them, but the key to shidduchim is networking beyond our daled amos. Everyone knows someone outside of Baltimore. At minimum once a week can each of us call, text or email out-of-town friends and relatives to remind them about an older local single?
2. I was surprised to learn that there is no one designated to focus solely on helping Baltimore single women above the age of 33. This is a full-time job, and we need someone who will leave no stone unturned working on behalf of the older singles in Baltimore, traveling to out-of-towns older singles events, and networking with shadchanim in other cities. I understand the concern that “if we don’t help the 21-year-old singles now, they will become the 41-year-old singles down the road.” But perhaps we could find a little funding to pay a dedicated person exclusively to help those who are pushed off the radar because in shidduchim, age is not just a number.
3. Are we davening enough for them? It’s truly beautiful that a group of committed women meet every single week to say Tehillim as a merit for the singles. But each of us should add the name of at least one older single to our daily tefillos, and as a community storm the gates of Heaven. And remember, davening on its own is not always enough; this must be coupled with our hishtadlus of actually networking for them and redting them shidduchim.
   1. We know it is hard to redt shidduchim to older singles. A 43-year-old male will often reject a 39-year-old female as “too old”, but if he met her in person, he could see how dynamic and youthful she is. Other cities regularly host mixed events for older singles, in a tznius environment with the haskama of leading Rabbonim, and many marriages have resulted. There is currently an effort underway to organize a Baltimore Shabbaton in a local hotel at the end of this June for machmir to yeshivish singles in their 30s and 40s. Step up and help! We need donors to help off-set the costs for our own local singles as well as to subsidize the costs for the event and travel/transportation to bring quality older singles to Baltimore. We need experienced shadchanim to join us for that Shabbos to meet singles, help facilitate at the event, and follow up with the singles after the event. We need inspiring speakers and panelists.  And we everyone to reach out to singles, in Baltimore and beyond, to get them to this event.

As we approach Chodesh Nisan, we are reminded that the Jewish women in Mitzrayim persevered against all odds. Chancing death, they gave birth and delivered babies. They prettied themselves for the men to ensure the perpetuity of our people. Today, local older single women persevere every single day: They get up and go to work, volunteer for endless hours with chessed activities in the community, and then they return home and sit dateless, night after night, week after week, month after month.  The “lucky” ones will get pressured into going on one date with men no one should be going out with, and while these women spend the next week crying in despair, you pat yourself on the back for at least getting them out of the house one night. 

The Baltimore frum community is abound in chessed, and always at the forefront of demonstrating to the world what it means to focus on tzorchei hatzibbur.  As we prepare for “higadeta l’bincha”, let’s show the world how in the Baltimore community, all singles matter. Let’s make a real effort to prioritize those who need our help the most, so that in the coming years, they can be conducting the Peasch seder with their own husbands and children.