A common question that troubles many of us is, “Didn’t I go through this same process last year?” Perhaps we have even made the same kabbalos year after year, and nothing has really changed. We look around at most of the people around us, and we don’t notice too many changes in them either.

Many people feel frustrated with themselves and exclaim, “Why can’t I get my act together?” For some, this can be a depressing time of year when we think how terrible we are and how we can’t seem to improve ourselves. One of my students commented that for him the Yamim Noraim is a time to feel stuck in his wrongdoings.

But is the what Hashem wants this time of year to be? Is this an emotionally healthy experience that propels us to become closer to Hashem? Truthfully, such an approach is actually damaging for ourselves and distances us from teshuvah. What, then, is the proper approach?

A number of years ago, it dawned upon me that our difficulty in changing is not a sign of our failure, but actually a sign of our success. Rav Eliyahu Dessler zt”l compares our bechirah (free choice) to a battle between two armies. Each army has conquered territory that is not contested. The struggle lies at the battlefield. So too, each person has certain mitzvos which he fulfills easily. Those are conquered territory. We also have areas that we are not even prepared to try to conquer. Those are like uncontested enemy territory. Our bechirah lies in the middle areas where we sometimes rise and sometimes fall. Rav Dessler calls this the “nekudas (point of) habechirah”. This is where our main battle with the yetzer hara lies.

Let’s take this one step further. For those of us who have been battling the yetzer hara for many years, we have had many victories and conquered much territory. Why have we been successful in some areas but not in others? The answer is that we have won those battles that were easier for us. Each person, with his own personality, has his own set of easier and more difficult challenges. For some people, consistency comes naturally, while for others it is very challenging. For some, controlling anger is relatively easy, while for others it is almost impossible. And the list goes on. I believe that most growing, frum Jews, who have gone through many cycles of the Yamim Noraim, have been victories in most of the easier battles. If there are certain areas in which we struggle and fail year after year, those areas probably pose challenges that are very, very difficult for us to overcome. They are in the far outer section of our “point of bechirah” and almost out of range. We should be commended for not admitting defeat, and for persevering in the struggle year after year. But we should not get down on ourselves for not overcoming this extremely challenging struggle.

If we find ourselves not keeping with our kabbalos in the areas that we need to work on, we should see our greatness. We should remind ourselves, that we have overcome most of the beginner and even intermediate level challenges, and most of what remains are the advanced challenges. Many of these will take years of work, if not a lifetime. We must certainly continue to do our part this year, but with the honest recognition that this challenge will take years to overcome.

But the question not begs: how do we improve if most of our kabbalos will fail? Rav Shlomo Wolbe zt”l famously said that there are two forms of growth: proactive growth which he referred to as “binyan” (building), and organic growth which he called “zeriah” (planting). Most of the kabbolos that we make are in the “building” category. We make resolutions to learn daf yomi, make it to minyan, refrain from raising our voice, etc. But at a certain point, each of us start to run out of “building supplies”. At this point, our main focus should be on organic growth. Our job is to cultivate a healthy growth atmosphere full of mitzvos, healthy relationships, and positivity, where we have the space to be ourselves and to thrive.

I once had a student who struggled through his years in yeshiva with waking up on time in the morning. We tried everything from A to Z and nothing could get him to consistently wake up at a reasonable time. Then I saw him a few years later and he told me that he no longer had a problem with waking up. I asked him what the trick was that finally worked. He said that it just happened. This means that he got more mature, was in a proper growing atmosphere, and the seeds finally sprouted. It didn’t really “just happen”, rather all of the years of work finally paid off. That is zeriah.

May we all have uplifting experience through the Yamim Noraim!