Our Parents

Where We Come From

The Aseret Hadibrot begin with the commandments to believe in and serve only Hashem. The subsequent mitzvot call upon us to respect His holy name and sanctify His holy day. Before transitioning to the second half of the commandments, which address our relationships with others, the first half includes one additional mitzvah — to respect our parents.

Though the mitzvah of kibud av va’eim relates to other people, Hashem included it in the bein adam laMakom section of the Decalogue because the way we relate to our parents reflects our appreciation of Hashem as well.^[1] One who disrespects his parents does not appreciate their role in bringing him into the world. Such a person definitely does not value the silent partner in his creation — Hashem. We are required to honor our parents not only because they deserve respect, but also to remind us to appreciate Hashem’s creative role as well.^[2]

Where Our Beliefs Come From

Rav Yosef Albo^[3] explains that the mitzvah of kibud av va’eim has an additional goal — to reinforce our respect for the traditions our parents relay to us. Our rebbeim teach us Torah and Judaism; our parents relay our family traditions. They provide our lives with context by exposing us to the Torah commitment and values of our ancestors.

The mitzvah of kibud av va’eim teaches us that proper respect for our traditions hinges upon respect for our parents. This is why the Torah treats a rebellious son so severely.^[4] The wayward behavior described by the Torah is relatively minor; the true problem lies in the child’s rejection of his parents.^[5] One who rebels against their parents loses their life’s anchor and direction, setting them on an almost unavoidable negative trajectory. The Torah mandates the death penalty to save him from his ultimate sinful descent.^[6]

Our Children

Our Role in Creation

Our appreciation of our parents should inspire us to follow their lead.

Hashem’s first words to man tasked him with populating the world.^[7] Hashem created a beautiful and exquisite universe, but He requires human assistance in sustaining it.  

This sustenance begins with maintaining the world’s human population. This is why Hashem’s first words to man were the mitzvah of peru u’revu. All of Hashem’s goals for the world are only realized if we bring children into it.^[8]

Bearing children is also the way we emulate Hashem’s most incredible creation — man in His image.^[9] G-d was the first to create a human being in His image; we accomplish the same feat by creating additional humans — equally in His image.^[10] Other creatures are also required to replicate;^[11] only humans, though, create others in G-d’s image.

Passing It Forward

Rav Hirsch^[12] highlights an additional dimension of the mitzvah of peru u’revu. He explains that the Torah uses two words to describe the mitzvah because the second one adds a second requirement. We are responsible for perpetuating not only humanity but also proper human conduct. Like an arrow directed by a bow (roveh like revu), so parents need to give children direction by raising them properly. Just as Hashem requires us to honor our parents in order to respect their traditions, so He requires us to inspire our children to respect their own parents' traditions. 

Parenting is not just about providing for a child's physical needs; it is also about nurturing their emotional and psychological well-being. It's about nurturing their spiritual growth. We are tasked with teaching our children Torah and relaying our traditions. The Torah emphasizes this responsibility, mandating teaching them Torah^[13] and recounting key historical experiences.^[14] We are not just responsible for their physical health, but also for inspiring them spiritually.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks observed that:

For some time now, along with many others in the West, we have sometimes neglected this deeply spiritual element of education…

Children are naturally spiritual. They are fascinated by the vastness of the universe and our place in it. They have the same sense of wonder that we find in some of the greatest of the psalms. They love stories, songs, and rituals. They like the shape and structure they give to time, and relationships, and the moral life…

A child’s view of reality is instinctively, intuitively religious. Deprive a child of that by ridiculing faith, abandoning ritual, and focusing instead on academic achievement and other forms of success, and you starve him or her of some of the most important elements of emotional and psychological well-being…

The research evidence is compelling. Children who grow up in homes where spirituality is part of the atmosphere at home are less likely to succumb to depression, substance abuse, aggression, and high-risk behaviours, including physical risk-taking and a sexuality devoid of emotional intimacy.

Spirituality plays a part in a child’s resilience, physical and mental health, and healing. It is a key dimension of adolescence and its intense search for identity and purpose. The teenage years often take the form of a spiritual quest. And when there is a cross-generational bond through which children and parents come to share a sense of connection to something larger, an enormous inner strength is born. Indeed, the parent-child relationship, especially in Judaism, mirrors the relationship between God and us.^[15]

As we saw regarding the mitzvah of kibud av va’eim, Judaism expects parents to provide their children with more than just generic religious and spiritual guidance. It calls upon us to pass on traditions, both of the Jewish people and our particular family.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks adds that:

A family narrative connects children to something larger than themselves. It helps them make sense of how they fit into the world that existed before they were born.

It gives them the starting point of an identity. That, in turn, becomes the basis of confidence. It enables children to say: This is who I am. This is the story of which I am a part. These are the people who came before me and whose descendant I am. These are the roots of which I am the stem reaching upward toward the sun…^[16]

Bruce Feiler explains that: “The more children know about their family’s story, the stronger their desire for control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem, the more successfully they believe their family functions… The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: Develop a strong family narrative.”^[17]

Our Place in the Chain

As Torah Jews, we see our identity and traditions as significant and seek to be a link in our people’s eternal chain by passing our ancestors’ values to our children. This process begins with respecting our parents, so we can learn and appreciate what we need to convey and also serve as role models for our children to emulate. The best way to teach children to learn from their parents is by modeling this for them.

Yaakov taught this idea in Egypt before his death.^[18] His grandchildren, Menashe and Ephraim, were born in Egypt, not in Yaakov’s home. They grew up as Egyptians to the point where Yaakov did not recognize them. Despite this, Yaakov drew them close. From his perspective, they were like his own sons, like Reuven and Shimon.

Of course, Menashe and Ephraim had to ultimately decide upon their own identity. Yaakov encouraged them to identify with him and his family traditions by promising that generations of Jews would bless their children to emulate them. Menashe and Ephraim were the first Jewish children raised in a foreign culture. By opting in to the Jewish people, they would become the model for future generations of Jews.

Yaakov’s message also had personal relevance to Menashe and Ephraim. Only by choosing to identify with Yaakov and his legacy would they provide their own children a model for embracing their family's legacy. If Menashe and Ephraim decided to veer from their familial traditions and chart their own path, they should expect their children to do the same.

Sadly, much of Western society no longer values its traditions or even its identity. Naturally, this has led to the denial of the need to learn from parents or pass traditions on to children — or even to bear children at all. Those who have nothing meaningful to pass on have less of a reason to make the sacrifice that bearing and raising children requires.

This contemporary social reality requires us to remind ourselves of the importance of our traditions and of passing them forward.

May respecting our parents inspire us to learn and internalize their traditions, and may identifying with our traditions inspire our children to do the same.

Rav Reuven Taragin is the Dean of Overseas Students at Yeshivat Hakotel and the Educational Director of World Mizrachi and the RZA.

His new book, Essentials of Judaism, can be purchased at rabbireuventaragin.com

^[1] Ramban, Shemot 20:12.

^[2] Chinuch 33. See also Chayei Adam 1:67.

^[3] Sefer Ha’Ikarim 3:26. See also Rav Hirsch (Shemot 20:12), Meshech Chochmah (Vayikra 19:3), and Ein Ayah (Berachot 1:9). The Ramban (Shemot 20:12) may also hint to this idea.

This idea might be why the Yerushalmi (Kiddushin 1:7) asserts that Hashem prioritizes respecting parents over respecting Him.

^[4] Devarim 21:18–21.

^[5] See Shem MiShmuel, who uses this idea to explain why the ben sorer u’moreh is treated differently than Yishmael, who Hashem judged only based on his present as opposed to his future.

The fact that his issues with his parents is the root issue explains the focus of the pesukim on his parents.

^[6] Sanhedrin 71b. See Gur Aryeh (Devarim 21:18), who emphasizes that the death penalty aims to save the child (from sin) as well.

^[7] Bereishit 1:28.

^[8] This seems to be why Chazal saw the mitzvah of peru u’revu as a “mitzvah rabbah.” See Mishnah Gittin 4:5 and Tosafot Gittin 41b, d.h “Lo.” See also Chinuch 1.

^[9] Yevamot 63b.

^[10] See Ibn Ezra and Ramban to Bereishit 5:3, who explain this as the point made by that pasuk.

^[11] Bereishit 1:22.

^[12] Rav Hirsch on Bereishit 1:28. See also Chochmas Shlomo (Even Ha’ezer 1:1), Shem Olam (15), and “Peryah Verivyah” of Rav Hershel Schachter (Hamizrachi Parsha Weekly, Bamidbar 5782).

^[13] Devarim 6:6 and 11:19.

^[14] Shemot 10:2 and Devarim 4:9.

^[15] “The Spiritual Child,” Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, Covenant and Conversation, Bo, 5783.  

^[16] Ibid.

^[17] The Secrets of Happy Families, Bruce Feiler (New York: William Morrow, 2003), pg. 274.

^[18] Bereishit 48:5–20.