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Parshas Vayishlach - Rabbi Yisroel Gelber: Sweeter Than Honey

By BJLIFE/Rabbi Yisroel Gelber

Posted on 11/23/18

Parshas HaShavua Divrei Torah sponsored by
Dr. Shapsy Tajerstein, DPM - Podiatry Care.
(410) 788-6633

 קח נא את ברכתי אשר הבאת לך כי חנני אלקים וכי יש לי כל ויפצר בו ויקח 
"Now take my gift, which has been brought to you, for Hashem has favored me [with it], and [because] I have everything." He prevailed upon him, and he took [it]."
(Bereishis 33:11)


Eisav was wildly envious of his brother Yaakov for 'taking' the bechora (first-born rights) from him and for tricking Yitzchok into giving him his blessing.  In anticipation of their impending encounter, Yaakov tried to mend the rift in their relationship by offering gifts to his brother, an expression of love. (Rashi, 32:6)

Why did Eisav initially refuse to accept Yaakov's offering? And when he finally did take it, why didn't Eisav express even a minimal hint of gratitude to Yaakov? The Torah records that Eisav simply, "took it."

As wonderful as it might feel to receive a favor or a gift, every gift also comes with the reality of indebtedness to the giver - and this was something that Eisav was loathe to feel towards his younger brother. Eisav didn't want to feel that he owed Yaakov anything; he needed to be the one on top. Indeed, Eisav's temporary flip into compassion for Yaakov was in reaction to Yaakov bowing down and submitting before him (see Rashi on 33:4).

Worn down by Yaakov's pressure, Eisav took the gift. He then resorted to a second tactic to avoid feeling like he owed his brother - he did an internal cover-up. Eisav was able to create for himself an altered reality in which he didn't see the exchange of wealth as a gift. From that faulty yet convenient perspective, there was no obligation to even thank Yaakov.

Rav Wolbe (Alei Shur II, page 281) tells us that this aversion to feeling obligated and submissive to others is one of the roots of ingratitude. The subconscious cover-up tactic that we use to keep ourselves from feeling like we owe is universal. That's why an ingrate in Lashon Hakodesh is called a Kafui Tovah - literally, "a cover-upper of favors." Rav Wolbe explains that this is why it is naturally so difficult for people to say thank you, for in saying thank you, they are admitting receipt of something, and in doing so, admitting their debt and status of subservience.  

The Goldberg children were playing an exciting game of hide-and-go-seek. Two-year-old Yitzy wanted to play along with the bigger kids, so when his older brother Dovid began counting, he pulled his sweatshirt hood over his face and bent down on the floor. Immediately spotting his crouching sibling, Dovid chuckled, "Yitzy, you can cover your face all you want, but you're still sitting there right in the middle of our living room!"

Some people dislike feeling indebted in an extreme way and refuse to accept any overtures of love and giving from others. In doing so, they stunt any opportunities for closeness. But we all have to contend with a natural resistance to feeling indebted. We must realize that this is part and parcel of every relationship, since relationships are built upon giving and receiving. 

When someone gives us something, it is appropriate and important to be able to receive with grace. This includes feeling a sense of indebtedness towards the one who gave to us; from that feeling, a desire to give back naturally follows. Accepting a favor and appreciating what another has done for us - and then wanting to give back -allows us to build healthy, loving relationships.