Posted on 07/27/18
Tu B’Av is a day which many people associate with weddings, and for good reason. While the Gemara provides a whole list of events that happened to the Jewish people on Tu B’Av and make it a significant day, the Mishnah tells us that “there were no yamim tovim, good days, for the Jewish people like Tu B’Av and Yom Kippur.” And how were these “good days” celebrated? These were the days when matches were made between men and women: women, dressed in simple white clothing, would make circles in the fields, imploring the men who came to choose a wife to look at what was important and ignore what was vain.
But what was so good about these days of Yom Kippur and Tu B’Av? Why, of all things, were they commemorated by making matches?
Well, what does “good” mean? Philosophers have debated this question for millennia. The Ramban, though, gives us an insight into what tov, good, means in the Torah. At each step of Creation, the Torah declares that Hashem observed what He had created and saw “that it was good”. What this really means, the Ramban explains, is that Hashem declared that each thing He created was going to last forever. Something “good” is something that is worthy of existing and being a permanent part of Hashem’s world. [By contrast, the word for bad – ra – is related to the word for broken, or weak: something bad does not last in Hashem’s world.] No matter what upheavals the world goes through, the basic building blocks of the universe always remain. This is what it means to be good.
Tu B’Av and Yom Kippur are not days of joyous celebration; they are not chagim like Pesach, Shavuos and Succos. What these days teach us is that we will endure. On Yom Kippur, when we come before Hashem with all our sins, confessing our shortcomings and asking Hashem for forgiveness, we are reminded that all the failings in the world do not drive us away from Hashem forever. It is a “good” day: it tells us that we are connected to Hashem indisputably and irrevocably. We never need to question Hashem’s love for us.
And so it is with Tu B’Av. All the events the Gemara identifies with Tu B’Av have to do with the Jewish people moving forward from a difficult or tragic event. It was the day when the Jews stopped dying in the desert; it was the day when the tribe of Binyamin was allowed to marry the other tribes again; it was the day when the victims of the massacre in Beitar were allowed to be buried. In the shadow of Tisha B’Av, we remember on Tu B’Av that no matter what devastations befall our people, Hashem never forsakes us forever; even in the midst of tragedy, He sends us signs that He is always watching over us and tending to our needs. Whatever horrors lie in our past, the Jewish nation always have a future. Tu B’Av is a “good day”: it is the day when we know we will last forever.
It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helpmate opposite him. If being alone is “not good”, then marriage must be Hashem’s idea of good. And if it is, we understand completely why marriage was the order of the day on Yom Kippur and Tu B’Av. On a national level, a Jewish marriage speaks to us of the Jewish future; it declares that there will be a next generation of Jews, and a next generation, on and on, forever. And for individuals, marriage is most meaningful not because of what it gives us from one moment to the next. Marriage is special because it is tov: it is special when we know it is a relationship that remains constant. No matter what ups and downs our lives entail, our marriage can be our anchor through it all.
And in this lies a great lesson for marriage. Certainly, some marriages cannot remain permanent. But when our marriage is healthy but hits a bump – whether it is the daily kind of bump or the once-in-a-while kind of bump – that is when we have a chance to make marriage “good”. When we overlook our spouse’s faults and focus on their many strengths, we give our marriage the glue that makes it enduring. When we focus on the positive qualities of our life’s partner instead of the negative, we make sure our connection is truly good.
Most of the time, we strive to go “from good to great”. But in marriage, being good can be the greatest gift of all.
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Building Eternity by Rabbi Daniel Rose may be purchased by clicking on the graphic below:
