There are few pleasures in the world that equate with the joy of having been blessed with the privilege of bringing a child into this world.

Yet the great Tanna, the author of the Holy Zohar, Rebbi Shimon Bar Yochai, would seem to suggest that there is something that may eclipse that joy.

When a boy is born one must wait until the eighth day from his birth before one can fulfill and celebrate the injunction of Milah, circumcision. The students of Rebbi Shimon inquired of their saintly teacher for the reason why one must wait eight days before carrying out this special command. He responded, by first pointing out that a woman after giving birth to a son remains impure for seven complete days and must refrain from a normal intimate relationship with her husband during that time. Were one to perform the Bris earlier, he added, ‘everyone would be celebrating joyously this event while the father and mother would be saddened by their distance from each other’. (נדה לא:

Could the exquisite joy of celebrating the birth of a child and the privilege of bringing a child into the Covenant of Avraham, be doused by their frustration in their inability to yet restore to full family relations?

Is Rebbi Shimon actually suggesting that the parent’s personal needs could sadden them on the day they revel over the opportunity of becoming parents?

In that same discussion Rebbi Shimon addresses two other related issues.

A woman who gives birth to a child must bring a sacrifice of ‘atonement’, after forty days from the birth of a son and after eighty days from the birth of a daughter. The students wondered why a woman who courageously gave birth has to bring atonement. Rebbi Shimon told them it was due to the fact that when enduring the excruciating pain of childbirth she swears never to be intimate with her husband again. To atone for that vain oath she must bring a sacrifice.

Additionally they sought clarity over the Torah’s differentiating between the days of impurity a woman giving birth to a boy must abide by and that of a girl. A mother to a son must only wait seven days while the mother to a daughter must wait fourteen days before becoming pure again and return fully to her husband. He answered that since all are happy when a male is born, she regrets her oath more readily, and desires to be with her husband again after one week. When a female is born however everyone is sad, so she needs two weeks before she senses remorse over her oath and desires to return to her husband.

Are we that primitive that these concerns govern our thinking and muddle the excitement of becoming a father and mother? Are we really ‘saddened’ and defeated over the birth of a daughter that a wife actually needs more time to recover her hope and ambition to raise a healthy family?

The actual word the Talmud uses to describe the ‘sadness’ of this frustrated husband and wife is עצבים, more literally, to be anguished. This is the verb used in the curse that was pronounced upon Chava after having partaken from the forbidden fruit where G-d tells her, בעצב תלדי בנים, it will be with anguish that you will bear children.

When man sinned he was banished from the Garden of Eden and was sentenced to endure distress in the procurement of a livelihood and in the bringing of children into this world. This terrible pain would cause distance between spouses that would have to be overcome through a heightened realization of our true purpose and mission in this world. It wasn’t a punishment but rather a challenge. Will man endure suffering with nobility, seeking and sensing G-d despite the pain? Will man allow the stresses of life to extinguish the pure bond that exists between spouses or will he never lose sight of the gift G-d bestows upon him? Will a woman undergo the anxiety of pain of pregnancy and childbirth and retain her ideals and noble ambitions?

There is no escaping these realities to those who rise to the challenge.

So it isn’t simply selfish gratification they are seeking. When a mother gives birth the reality of that pain G-d decreed becomes nearly impossibly apparent and she instinctively struggles with the commitment to undertake this arduous challenge. When a daughter is born who will, G-d willing, also undergo this painful experience, it is natural to retreat in mindful introspection and anguish over her fate, not out of despair but with ultimate sensitivity to the heroic role this future mother will endure that will inevitably entail much pain.

The key of success for these new parents lies within their ability to restore and maintain their devotion to one another despite the great challenges that seek to create distance. If they can achieve it their relationship will not merely survive but will thrive and grow in ways that were impossible otherwise

Certainly when a son is born the marvel of the miracle of birth and the associated joy in becoming partners with G-d would never deter the proud mother and father in regaling in that gift despite their not yet being permitted to be intimate with one another.

Perhaps what the Torah is teaching us in instructing us to wait for the parent’s personal happiness to be achieved before having them focus on the promise and future of their son, is that children will only attain happiness within the hearth if their parents are happy with one another and their relationship becomes the most important component of the home. It is only when that is accomplished that all the members of the family’s happiness will stem from that as well.

My daughter, Ms. Racheli Teichman, a renowned therapist in the New York area, sent me an eye-opening article written by syndicated columnist, John Rosemond, an acclaimed and renowned psychologist with an expertise in parenting, who touches on this notion as well.

I share it and let you ponder its validity, certainly something worthy to think about.

I recently asked a married couple who have three kids, none of whom are yet teens, “Who are the most important people in your family?”

Like all good mom and dads of this brave new millennium, they answered, “Our kids!”

“Why?” I then asked. “What is it about your kids that give them that status?” And like all good mom and dads of this brave new millennium, they couldn’t answer the question other than to fumble with appeals to emotion.

So, I answered the question for them: “There is no reasonable thing that gives your children that status.”

I went on to point out that many if not most of the problems they’re having with their kids — typical stuff, these days — are the result of treating their children as if they, their marriage, and their family exist because of the kids when it is, in fact, the other way around. Their kids exist because of them and their marriage and thrive because they have created a stable family.

Furthermore, without them, their kids wouldn’t eat well, have the nice clothing they wear, live in the nice home in which they live, enjoy the great vacations they enjoy, and so on. Instead of lives that are relatively carefree (despite the drama to the contrary that they occasionally manufacture), their children would be living lives full of worry and want.

This issue is really the heart of the matter. People my age know it’s the heart of the matter because when we were kids it was clear to us that our parents were the most important people in our families. And that, right there, is why we respected our parents and that, right there, is why we looked up to adults in general. Yes, Virginia, once upon a time in the United States of America, children were second-class citizens, to their advantage.

It was also clear to us — I speak, of course, in general terms, albeit accurate — that our parents’ marriages were more important to them than their relationships with us. Therefore, we did not sleep in their beds or interrupt their conversations. The family meal, at home, was regarded as more important than after-school activities. Mom and Dad talked more — a lot more — with one another than they talked with you. For lack of pedestals, we emancipated earlier and much more successfully than have children since.

The most important person in an army is the general. The most important person in a corporation is the CEO. The most important person in a classroom is the teacher. And the most important person in a family is the parents.

The most important thing about children is the need to prepare them properly for responsible citizenship. The primary objective should not be raising a straight-A student who excels at three sports, earns a spot on the Olympic swim team, goes to an A-list university and becomes a prominent brain surgeon. The primary objective is to raise a child such that community and culture are strengthened.

“Our child is the most important person in our family” is the first step toward raising a child who feels entitled.

You don’t want that. Unbeknownst to your child, he doesn’t need that. And neither does America.

May we each discover true happiness, filling our homes with joy, overcoming the challenges G-d sends us and becoming ever closer to Him in the course of that magnificent journey.

באהבה,

צבי טייכמאן